Beyond the Clouds

Oct. 18, 2016, Tag Arion
730
544
July 6
Male
Valhalir
Egyptian|Kenyan|Persian|Roman
Marat Al'iilhia
Vreyinth Starfire
Eleventh Division
Seat 05
Rider Council
Member
Lenara

Heru Lucain
Valhalir
Had he? Of course he had, Arion had just said that. Still, this was rather impressive from where Heru was standing - and the things on the wall provided yet another opening into the sorts of things Arion clearly enjoyed having around him. "That's fair." Mildly. Heru enjoyed it anyway. The apartment was lovely, and that mosaic... well. If he didn't have something he was supposed to be doing, he probably could have stared at it for a long, long time. But, he did have something else to be doing, and Arion took precedent over Heru's sudden awe.

"Hm?" He'd caught the edge of the fact that Arion was going to say something and then it stopped. Apparently he wasn't going to continue whatever it was. Alright, he could live with that. Heru studied what he could see of Arion's expression for a moment, golden eyes considering taking in what there was to see in the way Arion held himself and the expression that made it through his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Heru finally asked. Arion was getting tense as they moved up the stairs, and it was just a little concerning. Was he having second thoughts? ... What was going on in his head? It wasn't like Heru really knew, but sometimes it mattered. He could guess - maybe it had something to do with the aforementioned triggers. Never mind there was clearly a lot of trauma there. Still, asking was probably better than assuming.

Oh, Arion was stopping here, okay. Heru stilled himself a slight bit back, far enough so that Arion had plenty of room to turn around and face him properly. Oh. Hm. What to say... to that. Heru took a deep breath and released it, tilting his head just slightly to one side. "Okay." Finally. "But I wouldn't count on me changing my mind because of this."

Heru couldn't promise nothing would ever make him leave Arion, but it wouldn't be Arion's struggles. It wouldn't be the terrible things that had been done to him. Things happened, and almost no one lived forever - but this wasn't going to be what made Heru go away. "I won't promise you that I'll never go away. We're soldiers and I can't promise that, but I'm not going to walk away just because things get hard, Arion." There was a pause. "And I know words are easy to say, so I don't really expect you to believe me." But there it was.

Heru would just have to show him and prove that he didn't intend to go anywhere.

It would take time, but Heru was willing to do that.
485
2,108
September 10, 92 BCE
Fluid
Valhalir
Greek-Roman
Theiko Kontari
Third Division
Captain
Ebony Lions
Tian

Arion Katsaros
Valhalir

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the decision there is something more important than fear.
Yeah, Heru did catch it. Some part of him recoiled from the thought of someone else being able to figure him out. It was one thing for Andreas and his mother to do it, one thing for Metella to do it, an entirely different thing for... this. Theiko would inform him, about now, this was to be expected. Of course Heru had started paying attention. He should just accept this as a fact of life, probably. Yeah. He was working on it. It still set his nerves on edge and ignited his anxiety, just a little. And that wasn't fair, because Heru wasn't them, and maybe some part of Arion would always be waiting for him to become them. It wasn't fair. In the end, Arion wasn't even sure if he could love him back, or remotely right. He was trying, in his confused, graceless way. Was it good enough? Would it ever be? Would it still be, if by some miracle it was, decades from now? Arion was already clinging.

One thing he'd learned over the years, he didn't do well alone. Theiko helped, but only so much. This was why he hit the ground running. This was why he never slowed down, because when he did, everything got louder, it got harder to think, harder to breathe, like if he stopped moving long enough, the walls started crashing in. And that thing he did, it didn't help, but he couldn't remember a time he didn't do it. His brain didn't do it. Whatever. The circular patterns in his head, reminding him what a waste of Force he was, and how everyone would be so much better off without him. They'd done fine before, after all. Arion was a difficult creature to love. He couldn't imagine someone would, and some days, he even questioned whether or not his mother and Andreas really loved him. It shouldn't be surprising he was having a hard time accepting Heru didn't seem to want better than him. He shouldn't have to fight through Arion's walls. He shouldn't have to deal with it when he couldn't even tell what was real from what was only in his head. He shouldn't have to learn all the little tics and fleeting, momentary visages of emotion and say it was enough, because it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't, but it wasn't like Arion could change. He'd tried.

Someone had said that before. It was an odd sense of deja vu, but he couldn't place who, or when, or why, but it tugged at a faint memory, squirreled away and buried in his subconscious like it was something he didn't want to lose, but in clinging too hard, he'd lost it, anyway. Dimitrios. His name was Dimitrios. Why did he still use Silver? Why, why, why, because he didn't know who else he was supposed to be, because he didn't know who Dimitrios was supposed to be. "Ma named me Dimitrios," he said, kind of in a tumble, like he hadn't entirely thought about it before he said it, and really, he hadn't. Ah, he should know better than to try arguing with a Lucain-there was no point, unless he really did want to have an anxiety attack, and, no... he wanted Heru out of his clothes and all over him. He wanted to stop thinking, and for some strange reason, he trusted Heru enough to stop thinking around him. The thought still scared him. Maybe it always would. He didn't really know what love was, but he knew what it wasn't, and this was an entirely different universe from what it wasn't.

"M'a difficul'bein' ta love, Heru, an'I know it. I jus'wanna make sure ya know, it's aight iffen ya can't." A pause, and he added, "But nah, I prolly always gonna'spect you walk away someday. Maybe even in a thousan'years, iffen we both still'ere an'still together in a thousan'years." Fuck the gods, he didn't want to live that long, though. He already had. He wasn't sure if he could take a thousand more years of this. "M'head's always runnin circles remindin' me ya shouldn'. Always thinkin'maybe ya jus'ain' figure it ou'yet. I know yer smarter'n'at, but logic don'work on it. Never did. N'm'sorry, cause it ain'fair, but I'unno'at Imma ever not reach fer assurance yer not gonna'ate me someday. Bonus poin's ta what's righ'ta me ain'always what's righ'ta everyone else." He used to be better than this. At least, he thought so. He didn't remember much from back then, because it'd been easier to forget, but he remembered enough. Enough to know he was afraid to live, because living was hurting, and if all that hurt had turned him into this, what'd he be in another 800 years? Maybe, someday, he really would be a monster, and he'd rather his mother cried over his death than over his corruption. As if he wasn't already corrupted, but he did know, it could get worse. It could, and he didn't want to be that sort of person. Sometimes, though, he did that thing, and wondered if he wasn't.

"M'scared of you," after a moment. "An'I'unno'at there'll ever be a time I ain'. I ain'never want nothin' an'no one before. An'ere we are, an'I wan'you. 'at scares me." Speaking of want... different want but-"Ya shoul'bug me mer of'en'en ya used to," just, saying that, reaching up and very lightly running his fingers through Heru's hair. "I wan'yer attention, too." Heru wasn't close enough. In many, many ways, but the one he could fix right now was-a shift, and very cautiously, like he wasn't entirely sure how to do this anyway, and really, he wasn't, Arion decided those kisses were a better idea. Before he did words for an hour instead of Heru. It wasn't important, anyway, he just wanted to make sure Heru knew these things, when he remembered them and had the mental acuity to say them.
730
544
July 6
Male
Valhalir
Egyptian|Kenyan|Persian|Roman
Marat Al'iilhia
Vreyinth Starfire
Eleventh Division
Seat 05
Rider Council
Member
Lenara

Heru Lucain
Valhalir
"Dimitrios." It rolled off of Heru's tongue as he carefully replicated the precise way Arion had said the name. "I like it." He did, actually. It had a different sound, a different feel to it than Arion did, but it wasn't a bad thing. "Does that mean you'd like me to call you it?" It was a serious question, since Arion had gone by that name for so long that Heru had never even heard the other one.

Heru listened to what Arion said, taking it in and considering it carefully. Filing it away for further consideration later. There was a lot there, and a lot of it gave some indication of what sorts of reassurances Arion may want or need here and there.

He like it though, he liked that Arion - Dimitrios? - was telling him about some of what he was thinking about and some of what might come up as important when they tried to move forward, when they tried to work around things. There was a lot of damage - more than Heru could really comprehend having lived what some would call a sheltered life. It was the wrong term, actually. The Lucains were well protected, but Sahura believed their best protection was the fact that he could train them to protect themselves.

But... he'd never wondered if he was loved. And he'd never really had to stand and fight alone. Heru had always gone into battle knowing that somewhere behind him was an entire army if he needed it. Arion didn't have that, and it was really sad, Heru thought. And maybe he couldn't be Dimitrios' army - but he could at least stand beside him.

More often? He could do that. Heru could totally be persuaded to come around more these days.

Ah... but he didn't say anything. Whatever it was what Heru had been about to say died on his lips as Arion kissed him. This time Heru surrendered himself to that kiss, shifting just slightly towards Arion as he did so, enjoying the taste of the silver haired captain.

They really weren't close enough. Still, there was no rush, he supposed. But, the urge to close the already slim space between them was strong. ... Heru suspected it was normal. One arm did slide its way around Arion's waist though, albeit loosely. He didn't want to constrict the other's movement, just... wanted to feel more of him. Yeah.
485
2,108
September 10, 92 BCE
Fluid
Valhalir
Greek-Roman
Theiko Kontari
Third Division
Captain
Ebony Lions
Tian

Arion Katsaros
Valhalir

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the decision there is something more important than fear.
... well, he supposed, usually, that was what that meant, but honestly, Arion wasn't entirely sure what he'd told him for. Maybe because, subconsciously, he did want that name back. He did want to be Dimitrios again, even if he wasn't sure how to do that, wasn't even sure who Dimitrios was. Things came back, here and there. He remembered, sometimes, but it never really was enough. All he knew was, he was about sick of being who Mitsunari and Okuni had turned him into. He wanted to be him, he just didn't know who that was. Maybe somewhere along the way, he'd figure it out.

"Ain'matter any," was what he said. "Ma an'Dreas ain'call me anythin'else though." They'd both flat refused to call him anything but Dimitrios, which was a bit of a jarring thing to get used to, after so long of being called Arion. Someday, he was sure, Heru would meet them, one or the other or both, and neither of them called him Arion. His uncle didn't even call him Arion, either. He'd have to know that name sooner or later, and since they were already on the subject of everything fucked up about him... don't do that thing, stupid brain... he said, like it wasn't already doing it. Ha.

Fortunately, at least, Heru didn't argue this time. Eventually, they'd have to get back there, out of the doorway, but maybe there was no rush on that. It wasn't like he had a roommate, or anything. Well, unless you counted Euterpe, but Arion generally didn't for most things. She was in the other room, anyway, where his bigger piano was, and was a hamster, anyway, and all of this would go right over her head. Still, amid kissing, Arion reached his hands up, brushing Heru's jaw and resting his hands there, and then started backing up, somewhat slowly. Eventually, his legs would hit the side of his mattress. It didn't actually take long, and he made a slight surprised noise, and then broke their kiss, wrapped his arms around Heru's waist, and fell backward.

Reaching around and pulling the tie at the end of his braid off, going back to those kisses. At least, like this, they were pressed very close together, but it still wasn't enough, and that made no logical sense at all. Feelings and whims didn't make sense, feelings and whims didn't make sense... it occurred to him, about there, this would be the first time he felt this in a long time, and he wasn't sure what was worse. It was easier to play his part if he couldn't feel anything, but-it didn't matter either way, to him, but a lot of things that didn't matter to him seemed to matter to Heru...

... maybe he'd ask... "D'you care," he whispered against Heru's lips, "iffen I can feel'is'er not?" Just, just wondering.
730
544
July 6
Male
Valhalir
Egyptian|Kenyan|Persian|Roman
Marat Al'iilhia
Vreyinth Starfire
Eleventh Division
Seat 05
Rider Council
Member
Lenara

Heru Lucain
Valhalir
Hm. His family called him that name, well, of course they did. And Arion didn't seem to mind either way. "I'll keep that in mind." It would take time either way, for Heru to actually get used to letting another name roll off his tongue instead of Arion.

And maybe he'd just assume that despite Arion saying it didn't matter that since he told him that some part at least did care and did want to be called that. It made sense to Heru at least - though he really did have to wonder why he went by Arion. Ah... questions for another time, maybe.

He allowed himself to be drawn forwards, keeping relatively close to Arion because those kisses were actually nice and they were getting somewhere and... well. He trusted Arion, generally. More than most people did, for sure. Heru kept that one arm loosely wrapped around Arion, at least until the kiss broke next.

And then that was only because getting trapped partially underneath Arion didn't sound like it would be a ton of fun. Not that it would be hard to fix, but that wasn't entirely the point. As it was, Heru had ended up more than half on top of Arion - just mindful enough to make sure none of his particularly bony bits ended up digging into the other as they returned to kissing.

And then just partially broke apart again so Arion could speak. ... Heru's expression was probably extremely confused. He hadn't even been aware that feeling it was optional? "...Yes?" Heru responded carefully. "I'm relatively sure not feeling it isn't a good thing." But on the other hand Heru didn't actually know what would case that. So maybe it wasn't that bad. Just... he did want Arion to enjoy it, too? It was hard to enjoy something when you didn't feel it at all.

So that was where he was going to go with it.