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Embers // Afterlife Fantasy

Welcome to the first day of your new life. Embers is an afterlife fantasy cyberpunk RPG, running since 2006, first under the name War Chain, and then under the name Tamashii no Chikai, originally as a Bleach RP. Some Bleach influence still remains, but it is all presented differently and features new elements. The recent 2016 reboot under the name Embers follows a very similar standard and focus that War Chain and Tamashii no Chikai did, and we hope Embers will grow into its own free of its fandom ties. Here's to 157,000 more posts!
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Messages - Shihoin Iname

Pages: 1
1
Divisions / Of the Moon and the Sun
« on: Jan 13, 2018, 01:43AM »
Nerves seemed to flow through him - it was silly, of course. It was just his mom. He had no reason to be so nervous approaching his own mother - she loved him, she always had. And while some part of her was probably not thrilled by the fact that he avoided her so much these days, Iname was relatively confident that she wasn't angry with him, exactly. And yet... he was nervous. At least Iname knew that was silly, he supposed.

As it turned out, he'd started in the right place because Mameha was indeed here at her desk. She'd also noticed him, which wasn't terribly surprising really. He gave a tiny smile in response to hers. The smile alone managed to steal away the worst of his nerves, somehow. ... Mother magic, or something. Anyway, Iname closed the space between where he was and Mameha's desk with only a moment or two longer of hesitation.

His gaze dropped for a moment before coming back up. "Mom." He greeted, smile fading back to something carefully controlled, though there was a hint of warmth in his tone. For a moment it was likely obvious that he considered embracing her, but stopped short of doing so - for the moment at least.

"How're you?" It was a relatively standard question, but it had been long enough since the last time they'd really talked that Iname didn't really have a clue as to what the answer would be. And it seemed like a good place to start, really, instead of jumping in to asking her to tea or something. ... Though he was still going to do that. A brief exchange in the office was not likely to be what dream-Kaiou had been referring to, and honestly now that he thought about it he missed her. ... As much as he also didn't entirely feel right.

It was sad to realize he missed his mom when he saw her on a regular basis. Which, honestly, was probably what his subconscious had been bugging him about, really. Never mind they were Valhalir and fate wasn't always kind. It wouldn't take much to lose her to - and he should remember that given how violently Kaiou had been taken from him.

2
Residences / Quiet Things
« on: Nov 20, 2017, 11:59PM »
"Nothing." Was the reflexive response to that question. Because it really wasn't important? It was just a dream and it wasn't like what Ciaran had said was a bad thing, just a sharp reminder of the strange things his mind was doing and... you know it occurred to him that that was literally what they were discussing wasn't it. Uh. Right okay.

"... Important at least. I promise, it just reminded me of a dream." Iname added after a few brief moments of deliberating how to clarify that. And he intended to leave it there, but if Ciaran pushed he'd probably say more. But that was all, it reminded him of a dream and it wasn't important. Ciaran meant well - and in some sense so had dream Kai.

Somehow it didn't surprise him that that was something Ciaran had heard at some point. It just... contradicted everything that Iname had been taught. Which, it didn't mean anything. Iname had been taught lots of things that were questionable at best. Hearing it didn't really make Iname feel any less like he should be able to handle these things by himself, but it seemed to be worth it to just leave it alone for the moment. And... try to remember that Ciaran wanted him to lean a little. Try to remember that Ciaran wouldn't judge him.

"I'll... try to remember that." Quietly. It was just hard, because he honestly felt like despite what Ciaran was saying he should be able to deal with it himself. And... well. He couldn't, that much was clear. Maybe it didn't matter what he should have been able to do, given the reality was that he couldn't.

"I... see." Iname wasn't sure what to say to that. He did feel a rather sharp stab of upset before it smothered itself. Ciaran had said almost, which meant he hadn't. Iname wasn't thrilled, but the redhead was telling him which meant... well. Hearing it from Ciaran now rather than someone else later was certainly preferred. "...I suppose it wouldn't make you feel better." Iname could probably guess the reasons if he tried.

Gray eyes were slightly more guarded than they'd been a few moments before, but he didn't seem to be particularly angry. "I appreciate you telling me." ... Or at least, he appreciated the honesty behind it, and the obvious want to work things out.

3
Residences / Quiet Things
« on: Nov 18, 2017, 10:50AM »
Oh. He was being clung to. Iname didn't mind, of course. Ciaran hugs were nice and basically always welcome. Given how long he'd been in love with Ciaran, that wasn't surprise, Iname supposed. Hn. Okay, he really didn't like that noise if nothing else. Making Ciaran make that noise again was not on the list of things Iname ever wanted to do. Unfortunately he wasn't sure he could necessarily promise... that. Okay.

... He wasn't? Iname's expression shifted to somewhat confused as he considered what Ciaran had said. ... Sometimes he didn't respond to Ciaran at all? Which of course, Iname instinctively wanted to reject the idea of, but then, if he was really doing something like that of course he wouldn't remember it. And Ciaran didn't lie, particularly not about important things. Okay, so sometimes he wasn't here all the way - supposedly even now he wasn't - and sometimes he didn't answer Ciaran.

Iname could imagine these were things Ciaran was upset about, because he could see himself worrying about them, were their positions reversed.  Dis... something. Right. That was what he was doing, apparently. Normally this was the part where Iname could figure out what Ciaran meant, but not this time. This wasn't really something Iname had ever bothered to learn terms for, after all. ... Apparently he'd have to, at this rate.

Ciaran's idea was, of course, that he talk to Shigeru. Which, it was a fair suggestion. There was a tiny flickering part of his mind that wondered if it would really be so bad if he went away, but he silenced that. It mattered because Ciaran cared. And because dream Kaiou had mentioned how unfair it was to make Mameha lose them both. Both were valid reasons that it was bad if he went away. ... Even if it was apparently only away in his own head. "I will." Quietly, but his tone was firm. "I'll talk to Shigeru about it." Or, one of the healers at least. Probably Shigeru purely because finding it in him to talk to a stranger would be even harder than finding it in him to be honest with Shigeru.

Ciaran thought he should, so he would ask Shigeru about this apparent disappearing into his own mind. ... Iname still didn't entirely see why it was a big deal... but that was probably it's own level of problem, realistically, and the Kashi knew it. ... He really didn't like the idea of bothering his uncle over this. But he'd already said he would.

Iname's head tilted downward, gray eyes studying Ciaran  - for the record, it was a little odd having an overhead view of the red haired man, given he was usually towered over. ... Odd thing for his mind to hang onto. If he'd done a better job of getting over himself like he was supposed to, they wouldn't be having this conversation. Why was he so terrible at this?

Listening to Ciaran again, of course, and trying to consider what he said. Iname's knee jerk reaction was that it shouldn't really matter given he should be okay by now. But he didn't think that was what Ciaran wanted to hear, necessarily. The reality was that he wasn't okay, and that was what Ciaran cared about here, more than anything else.

Dream Kaiou's words came back to him rather abruptly, an odd stab in the heart as he stood there holding Ciaran. He'd said the same thing, not so long ago in his own way. It took him a second to continue breathing properly, and his eyes pressed shut for a moment or two longer before he opened them again. Somehow dream Kaiou had foreshadowed this chat with Ciaran. Somehow, Iname felt he should have expected that.

"I didn't mean to scare you." No, he hadn't intended for that outcome at all. But here they were. And Iname still didn't really know what to say to Ciaran. "I just... didn't really want to acknowledge it." If he was being honest, there it was. "I kept hoping if I ignored it long enough it would go away on its own. ... Or at least be easier to deal with. ... yes I know that was stupid."

Talking about it meant it was real, meant accepting that he really was so weak that he couldn't get passed this by himself. He'd always known he was weak though, so perhaps that shouldn't have been shocking. It was a wonder anyone could stand him, honestly. He should have been able to do this without bothering Ciaran, and here he was, doing just that.

4
Residences / Quiet Things
« on: Nov 15, 2017, 02:12AM »
There was a distant flicker of concern as Ciaran dropped his head back onto the table. Eventually the redhead across from him sat up. A flicker of confusion passed through Iname's gray gaze when the other started speaking, but he didn't immediately respond, instead listening.

Them? Right, Ciaran wanted to talk about 'them' and Iname wasn't sure what to make of that request. "Okay." Them. There was a flicker of what wanted to be panic that was present and then melted under the fog that was still there in Iname's mind.  It was for the best anyway, he shouldn't be panicking, he should listen to what Ciaran said instead. It was important.

So this was what it boiled down to. Somehow it didn't really surprise Iname, but it also kind of did. He hadn't entirely realized he had done such a poor job of going on with things as normal, at least he hadn't noticed after a while. Maybe that was the problem in the sense that his mind had accepted certain things as the new normal and Ciaran hadn't.

In not wanting to hurt Ciaran with what was in his head... but was there any sense in bothering to share it anyway? It wasn't like Ciaran didn't know what it was. It wasn't like they didn't both know that Kaiou was dead and that nothing would bring him back. Some part of Iname still didn't really see any point in verbalizing what they both already knew. Ciaran... apparently felt differently.

But he was... right here. Iname wasn't going anywhere? ... This was one of those things that Ciaran felt and Iname didn't entirely understand. What did he mean, thousands of miles away in his head? Iname bit at his lip, gray eyes unfocusing for just a second while he considered that and then pushed it away. Not because it didn't matter, but because he'd finally finished processing the fact that Ciaran was crying and while the conversation was important - was what had triggered it, even - that took precedent.

Iname rose from where he was sitting and moved around the table without really considering if the advance would be welcome at the moment. Nothing Ciaran had said indicated it wouldn't be, so he went ahead and slid his arms loosely around the redhead, hugging him.

Ciaran had said a lot, and Iname wasn't really sure what to say back. "I'm not going anywhere." Quietly. It didn't really answer the question that Ciaran had posed.

"I guess I just didn't really see a reason to repeat something you already knew." Iname said after a moment, quietly. It wasn't entirely accurate - though that was part of it. It had started because he knew Ciaran knew and didn't see a point in repeating what they both knew. And then he hadn't wanted to say it because he felt like he should be over it even though he wasn't. And he'd hoped that by telling himself he was okay, that he should be okay enough times it would make it so. ... Not... so much, if he was being honest with himself.

5
Residences / Quiet Things
« on: Nov 13, 2017, 04:16AM »
For the moment Iname was actually trying to put away laundry that he'd finished up when he got home. It wasn't a difficult task though it had probably taken slightly longer than absolutely necessary because his mind kept wandering. Keeping his hands busy was the easy part and keeping his hands on task was the easy part, but his mind was another story. There was something of a dull fog in his head that made focusing a little hard. Which was... probably not a great thing, Iname knew that, somewhere - if a little distantly. Iname just couldn't find it in himself to worry about it as much as he probably should. He was fine, he should have been fine by now. If he just tried harder he wouldn't be having this problem.

But that was just it, wasn't it? If he just tried harder, if he just did better. If he was even half the person Kaiou had been... if he'd been in the right place at the right time. If if if. That was what it boiled down to. But he hadn't been, and he wasn't. He hadn't been there, Iname had broken his promise to always be there when Kaiou needed him and Kai had died for it. And with Kaiou gone Iname didn't know what to do, didn't know who he even was. With Kaiou gone it was like most of himself had gone away too, leaving just this. Just enough to get by. Just enough to put the broken pieces in a box and stand up and keep moving.

Ciaran kept asking him if he was okay, and Iname kept saying he was. He wanted to be, he should have been. Iname should have been fine after all this time, but instead it still felt like he had shards of glass embedded in his heart. But if he just tried harder, if he just kept doing what he was supposed to be doing then he'd be fine. It had to fade eventually, right? Time was supposed to heal all wounds.

Iname heard someone come in, though the Kashi didn't immediately make any attempt at going to the main part of the house. But the only person who would be coming into the apartment was Ciaran, so the sounds out there didn't bother him. The Kashi could sense Ciaran out there, and thus he didn't get too nervous. Though the thunking down onto the table was a little concerning for just a moment. He was a little late, though really not as late as Iname might have expected from him, since Ciaran did go out sometimes and spend time with his friends and what not.

Finally, Iname put away the last of the shirts and then ended up sort of stilling where he was and spacing out slightly. Iname's attention was caught by Ciaran calling out from the main room. ... Talk? Right. Iname shook off most of the fog and made his way into dining area to see Ciaran sitting at the table. The Kashi set himself down across the table from Ciaran and folded his hands in his lap quietly. Gray eyes studied the other for several moments, as he attempted to figure out what to say.

"Hey Ciaran." His voice was rather even as he gave the greeting. "What did you want to talk about?" Iname's head tilted slightly to one side, his eyes remaining steady on his boyfriend. I don't know maybe about the fact that you're pretending to be utterly blind? And pretending Ciaran is too. Hyoukai hissed despite knowing that Iname wouldn't really hear him. Iname's posture was rather closed - arms held close to his body and he sat back against the back of the chair. He tried not to betray his nervousness with his tone or pose, but someone with a good eye would notice them in both - Ciaran would notice them in both.

That didn't sound good though, the wording, the tone. Those things did pierce through the fog, even if they didn't dispel it entirely. It brought him closer to the surface than he usually was these days, his attention more focused and a little less glassy. But that focus brought with it a wave of concern and nerves that Iname could only mostly contain.

6
War of Hearts / Frozen Sea [P R A Y E R]
« on: Nov 07, 2017, 10:06AM »
Location: Ciaran's Apartment
Date: Oct 22nd
Description: Hyoukai gets tired of being patient, also Iname is a shitnugget.
Notes: Nathair is welcome to crash this and insert his own comments. This may also be extended at some point.



So, Ciaran still wasn't home. Iname wasn't sure what to make of the fact that he wasn't home, given he hadn't come home last night … or the night before either. He was trying not to worry about it, really he was. But it was hard not to because Ciaran usually would be home by now and he wasn't and- well. It wasn't like Ciaran didn't have friends. It wasn't like Iname needed to know where he was at all times. He'd come home when he was ready. Right? Right. Iname kept reminding himself of that fact, kept telling himself to stop worrying about it because that could be construed as bordering on controlling even if that wasn’t his intent. And let’s just… not. No. It was fine, he’d be home when he was ready and Iname could live with it, it wasn’t like they hadn’t been apart for longer than this before.

Except, you know, Ciaran always tells you when he's going to be gone for too long, because he knows you worry. Which means you should be worried. Hyoukai's acidic response came - falling on deaf ears, but said nonetheless.

There was a lull in which Iname curled on the couch with a book and tried to concentrate on reading it. He wasn't getting too far, and at some point gray eyes just slid out of focus and the words on paper blurred. But Iname didn't move, he made no effort to call himself back to the present or to get up and do something.

Find it, Iname. Find who you are. Kaiou’s last words from the dream came back to him, managing to engulf the majority of his attention for the moment. That was the trouble, wasn’t it? He had no idea who he was. Who was he without his brother standing beside him. Who was he without Kaiou? The reality was, he didn’t know. Well maybe if you weren’t so terrible at everything and actually did what you’re supposed to you would know who you are. You’re Shihoin Iname. But who even was that? That was kind of the problem. You’re a Shihoin, you know damn good and well who you are. Right. Shihoin Iname, second division officer. That was what was expected, that was who he was. No, you know what you are? Sad, that’s what. Hyoukai growled.

A swirl of force caught Iname's attention, drawing his gaze up in confusion. A large dragon materialized with that force, curling in on itself slightly as it formed. The main body was a deep blue in color at first glance - but if one watched, the scales shimmered with all the colors of the ocean. The horns and claws of the dragon seemed to be made of ice - as did the dragon's eyes. Along the ridge of it’s back was a swirl of icy blue - almost mimicking frozen sea-foam. Iname's expression flashed to confusion as he stared at the materialized Daemon.

"I'm just about tired of your shit, mister." Hyoukai snapped, icy gaze trained entirely on Iname, who look surprised to see the dragon there. “Yeah, remember me? Your daemon? You’ve done a stunning job at pretending you don’t.”

“What are you talking about?” Iname retorted, marking his place and setting aside the book after only a moment.

“I don’t know, the part where you haven’t really heard anything I’ve said in decades. Did you really think I was going to abandon you while your mind was literally in pieces?”

“It is not.” Iname snapped back, gray eyes flashing.

Hyoukai made a sound that may have been considered a laugh under different circumstances. “No? Spirits, is that all you’re capable of these days? Lying? To me, to Ciaran, to your mom. … To yourself. I used to expect better of you than that.” No, he really had. “And it’s honestly sad, because no one’s buying it anyway. Who are you trying to convince exactly? Even you can’t possibly actually believe that this is fine.” The dragon’s gaze intensified for a moment as he seemed to wait for Iname to respond - the Kashi didn’t, so eventually the Daemon continued instead. “And you wonder why Ciaran isn’t here. Maybe, just maybe, he’s tired of being lied to. Because you’re more of an idiot than I thought if you really believe he doesn’t know you’ve been lying about everything.”

Iname flinched just slightly as Hyoukai successfully drilled into a number of his weaknesses at once. “I’m not trying to ‘convince’ anyone.” Iname maintained firmly.

“Oh bullshit.” Hyoukai shot back instantly. “If you weren’t trying to convince anyone you wouldn’t keep repeating it because it’s obviously not true.” Or they wouldn’t be having this conversation, because if Iname was fine, Hyoukai wouldn’t have to literally materialize in order to make the Kashi recognize that he really did want to talk. The Daemon wasn’t sure he could make enough of an impression, wasn’t sure he could convince Iname he needed help on his own, but dammit, Iname had already pushed away everyone else. “You hate being alone, so why is it that you’re insisting on shoving everyone out of your life? Why is it that when they go you’re surprised?”

“I don’t hate being alone. It’s safer anyway.” Iname defended, but there was an edge to his voice that made it clear even he wasn’t sure that what he was saying was the right thing - which for the record, it wasn’t.

“Oh don’t give me that!” The dragon snarled. “You do hate being alone and you’re shitty at it too. Alone is terrible for you. But sure, convince yourself otherwise and shove Ciaran out the door, then lock it behind him and freeze the handle too. And maybe, maybe he would have been able to thaw it enough to unlock it and come back but then you jumped out the damn window too! I’m really not sure what you expected here, Iname.” Hyoukai’s head jerked slightly side to side - shaking his head. “You can lie to Ciaran and your mom, and everyone else. You can even lie to yourself, apparently. But you really aren’t convincing any of us, least of all me. This isn’t okay, it never was. And if you don’t get your shit together it never will be.”

“Why are you insisting on making this about Ciaran?”

“Why are you insisting it’s not?” Hyoukai retorted sharply. “But if you really have to ask, because he was the last person you hadn’t entirely walled out of your life. But then you went and did that too. And now it’s been two days since he’s come home. You’re doing a really crappy job of convincing yourself that there’s nothing wrong with the fact that he’s not here, but let’s be real for a second Iname, he would normally have told you if he was going to be gone this long. You and I both know that.”

The worst part was Iname really did know that. And he’d been doing a good job ignoring the half-panic that that wanted to incite but apparently Hyoukai wanted to drag that back to the surface and make him worry about it.

“Well it’s about time you worry about reality.” Hyoukai retorted coldly. “Given you’ve spent the last forever doing your damnedest not to acknowledge it at all.”

“What is that even supposed to mean?”

Hyoukai made a frustrated noise, somewhere between a growl and a groan. “You know what, I want you to meditate and join me in your inner world. We aren’t done here.” But Hyoukai couldn’t stay in this form much longer, especially not as out of touch as they were at the moment. Besides, he wanted Iname to really see what their inner world looked like, because it was kind of important.

And then Hyoukai was gone, leaving Iname slightly confused and more than a little nervous. Still, he did obey the Daemon’s request, settling himself in a comfortable position and concentrating inward until he managed to find himself in the familiar confines of his own mind. Except… it wasn’t precisely as he remembered it. In essence it was the same - a glacier that acted as a cliff overlooking the ocean. Portions of the glacier seemed to have fallen away, and there were cracks that spidered from the edges inward. Iname found himself turning in a small circle, studying what he could see of the space - Hyoukai was lounging on the ice a little way away, and seemed intent on letting Iname digest by himself first.

“Yeah, we’re a little beyond abstract metaphors here. Good to see you taking that in.” Hyoukai’s tone was not particularly amused - but it was slightly less hostile than before. “You can’t pretend this is okay anymore. You can’t pretend this is the way it’s supposed to be, because it’s not. This isn’t okay and unless you actually do something it never will be. You can’t push everyone away Iname. You can’t pretend there’s nothing wrong.”

“But I should be over this by now. It’s been two hundred years, I shouldn’t still hurt so much I can barely function.”

“Well maybe you wouldn’t if you’d actually deal with these issues instead of just burying them.” Hyoukai retorted coolly. “But you also can’t put a time limit on grieving. That’s not how emotions work. You can’t just tuck it into a corner and say okay, I should be done by now. You haven’t dealt with it, and frankly some pain never entirely goes away. Sure, you should be doing better than you are, but when they say time heals all wounds they really mean that if you express and deal with it, slowly it gets better.”

It really is pathetic that I’m not over this yet. But Iname didn’t actually say that, instead taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly. Hyoukai wasn’t going to accept that response, so Iname didn’t bother repeating it. “I don’t know how.”

“Has it ever occurred to you to say that instead of claiming you’re okay?” Hyoukai retorted. “Because claiming you’re okay to someone who can see otherwise is just damn insulting.”

It was a lot for Iname to think about, of course. But Hyoukai wasn’t going to let him keep ignoring this mess. It wasn’t going to go away on its own, and the whole house was proverbially on fire around him. Something had to give or Iname was going to find himself exactly where Seiji had, exactly where Tetsuya had. And that kind of crazy didn’t look good on anyone. It was just going to be a matter of convincing Iname he really did need help. And getting him to accept the help from the support system that was gathered all around him, just waiting for him to acknowledge it.

"We can't go on like this. You can't go on like this, Iname. At some point something has to give." This was them, hitting the point where something had to give because it just couldn't continue this way anymore. Because at some point Iname had slipped underwater and he hadn't cared. And no one could really care for him. But as it turned out, the Kashi did care, somewhere in there. Hyoukai knew that much. It was just... making him realize it too.

7
Lenara / Shihoin, Iname
« on: Oct 22, 2017, 10:57PM »
Iname is a closed book with razor blades hidden between the pages. Everything seems relatively normal, for a second division member from the surface. He doesn't have much tolerance for stupid or for time wasting. His emotions rarely seem to ruffle the surface, to the point where someone who didn't know him probably would imagine that Iname doesn't have many emotions at all - which isn't really true.

Beneath that surface that his training allows him to maintain is quite a lot of things that, frankly, even Iname doesn't entirely understand. Guilt, anger, sadness - mostly by-products of grieving that was never properly handled. He doesn't share his feelings well, and he doesn't entirely know how. He generally prefers to pretend, even with Ciaran, that he's just fine. Even though the reality of it is that all this time later, he's still living a pretty hollow existence.

He does have some pride, and there is a large part of him that is extremely embarrassed by what happened out in Asgard, it's not something he'll easily own up to, and it's not something that he'll take well to having brought up.

But he does love very deeply, for all that it takes a good bit to get him to trust anyone. And he always pays his debts. ... Even the ones no one blames him for. And, when he doesn't have his reasons for hiding, Iname does like to give back, to an extent, in Asgard, to make sure no one else has to live the way he was forced to live. But currently Asgard is off-limits as far as Iname is concerned.

And he knows, he knows he should get the hell out of Second. Will he? Ah, currently the answer is no.

Friends
Iname's friends are mostly those who have managed to stick with him through a rollercoaster of things - including actively avoiding them at times. Really it's a miracle if he has any friends. Any he does have should be patient sorts, and maybe a touch on the stubborn side. He could use someone trying to drag him back out into the open again and, you know helping remind him how to live. He's not terribly patient himself, and isn't likely to spill his life story on anyone, save perhaps Ciaran.

Enemies
A couple of the surviving Shihoins qualify as enemies. In a broader sense, the Eagles. At it's simplest - whoever his Captain tells him is his enemy, is. The joys of being Second division. ... Seriously though, Iname probably has a few personal enemies too.

Lovers
Iname is happily taken, and anyone other than Ciaran making a move on him will get a firm no the first time. ... And probably meet his daemon the second time. He loves the redheaded sword monkey. ... They'll be married, eventually. Iname even has a ring already, he's just a dork.
Shihoin Iname537 | Valhalir/Kashi/Kazan | Japanese/Sudanese | Hyoukai Valkyrie Second Division

8
Residences / Sea Ice
« on: Sep 28, 2017, 11:40AM »
Iname frowned a little as Kaiou brushed bits of his hair away from his face, more to himself than at anything in particular. Iname listened, trying to take into account what Kaiou was saying and trying his best not to reject it out of hand just because it wasn't necessarily what he wanted to hear. It had been long enough he shouldn't need to talk about it, honestly. Long enough he should have had the sting of loss fading, not surging through him all over again.

Of course Kai knew, he'd gone through it too.  At least, a lot of it, maybe not this exact thing, but it was still.... the problem, in a lot of ways. Because Kai understood him in ways no one else did, and that was half of what made this so impossibly difficult. It didn't help that Iname didn't entirely understand why he wasn't over the grief two hundred years later, so it really just felt like whining at this point.

Less them understanding and more him saying? Some part of Iname didn't understand how him saying it was supposed to help, but he did remember the way he and Kaiou had spoken when they hid away in their forts and the way they'd come away feeling lighter even if they couldn't do anything about whatever-it-was. "Mostly it's less 'they won't understand' and more... there's no point in bothering them with something they're already aware of. I didn't see the point in upsetting Kaa-san talking about heartbreak she was already facing and Renji has been dealing with my attempts at getting over it for almost two hundred years now." More or less. "Or at least, I didn't think there was a point." He was standing corrected, at the moment.

Or at least, Kaiou was doing his best to correct that thought process.

The words weighed heavily on him - visibly so. He'd known, of course, he'd known that Kai died with a myriad of regrets, that he'd never wanted the life they both lived. "I've spent so long doing what people told me I should want that I don't really know... what it is I want for myself." He could admit that, to his brother.

"I won't find what I'm missing Kai." Quietly. "Not in this life time." Maybe when he was reborn, maybe when he was born again he'd have his brother back. But until then? What he was missing was out of reach. He just hoped that wherever Kaiou had been reborn he was living a better life than he'd had in this life. He hoped his brother had found happiness.

9
Divisions / Of the Moon and the Sun
« on: Apr 25, 2017, 09:45PM »
Iname's subconscious had been telling him something. What exactly that something was, well, that was a bit murky. In some ways the dream had been very straight forward, in others... He wasn't sure he'd ever entirely make sense of it all. But it had made a few good points, like the fact that he was pushing Mameha away and that that was a really sad thing to do. She shouldn't have had to lose them both. Well it's not like you're worth anything these days anyway. Hissed the whisper of his mind that always reminded him of what was expected of him - of what he expected of himself. For the moment, Iname ignored it, concentrating on his goal here.

The best way to rectify that was, of course, jumping in and spending time with her. The idea of facing the manor so quickly after the dream of Kai was not one Iname was quite ready to entertain. It was sad, sure, but Iname wasn't ready to face the manor yet - small steps here. And tea with his mom sounded like a good place to start. So he'd decided he was going to ask Mameha to come over for tea this evening, if she had time. Iname had considered asking her out to the ninth division's tea house instead, but it was hard to say what - if anything - they'd talk about, and Iname thought some privacy was a better choice in the long run.

It occurred to Iname that he really probably should have run it by Ciaran first, but it had been almost impulsively decided at some point today, and Iname hadn't wanted to give himself enough time to back out if it. He didn't... really think Ciaran would mind though, so he was just going to hope not and go with it. He could apologize later if he turned out to be wrong. But Ciaran rarely minded things that Iname did, unless they were some level of destructive. Oh you mean like completely ignoring the fact that you're literally falling apart? That's pretty self-destructive you shitpot. ...I don't know why I bother anymore it's not like you can hear me anyway.

Iname did sense a flicker of irritation from somewhere in the depths of his mind, but didn't pay too much attention to it.

And all that was what led Iname to wander in from drills towards the end of his shift looking for Mameha. His expression was a little thoughtful, but mostly controlled. It wouldn't take long to find the Mameha flicker in the area, unless she genuinely wasn't there, so that was a bonus.

Iname was... oddly nervous. It was just his mom, he had no reason to be nervous. He just had to find her and ask and then the nerves would go away. Mameha had a way of doing that, at least for Iname. But maybe that was normal, since she was his mom. ... Well a good place to check if she wasn't outside drilling was her desk, right? Right. So Iname wandered over that way - logic said start where she was most likely to be, after all.

10
Residences / Sea Ice
« on: Apr 22, 2017, 02:43PM »
Frowning a little at Kaiou talking again. Not because Kaiou was talking, of course. He was enjoying hearing this voice he was so familiar with and had been missing for so long that he'd almost forgotten the precise lilt of it. But... still frowning, because he couldn't really imagine anything in his head that he hadn't felt at this point. On the other hand there was so much there maybe he had failed to identify some of it.

But that didn't really explain what Kaiou said, not entirely. At least, Iname didn't think it did. Hn. Maybe he was wrong, this was kind of complicated. "If you say so." Obviously not really able to think of anything Kaiou could be referring to. But Kai was better at this than he was. He always had been.

Yes, he remembered. At least sort of. He smiled a fraction, in spite of himself. "It was fun, sometimes." Their little forts. They'd always been so secretive even though Iname was now pretty sure the adults knew - and just let them get away with it. Things were simpler then. When they were young. It's not the same, he wanted to argue. He wasn't that young anymore, and they weren't Kai. Sure, they loved him but it was... different. This wasn't really about them loving him so much as it was about not being that young and not really feeling like either of them needed his problems on top of theirs.

"I know she does." It was still... hard sometimes. After having it ingrained in him that he shouldn't lean on anyone and allowing himself just one exception. That exception seemed so innocent. But maybe if he'd kept his head on straight instead of leaning on Kaiou so much his brother wouldn't be dead. And Renji wouldn't have had to spend more than a decade saving his sorry ass from Tetsuya.

"I don't really know how to." Is what he said instead. "At least not to anyone but you. It's hard to break that conditioning, I guess." But he thought he'd done okay letting Renji in. Apparently Kaiou thought otherwise.

11
Residences / Sea Ice
« on: Apr 20, 2017, 12:47AM »
Somehow it confused him slightly when dream-Kaiou acted precisely as he would have during life. Deliberately putting himself back in Iname's view, deliberately continuing to talk about this because obviously they needed to. ... Why was his subconscious insisting on this though?

It was nice, the feeling of Kaiou's hands in his - it wasn't even real, but Iname spent a moment using that as sort of a touch stone while listening to his brother speak. Trying to puzzle out what exactly was going on there. This was an odd dream, and he wasn't entirely sure what to make of it. But maybe it didn't matter - it was all in his head.

But he'd heard, more than once, that sometimes dreams were important. Sometimes they were trying to tell you something. Iname couldn't entirely imagine that was true and yet...

"What else was I supposed to do with it?" The question came out perhaps slightly harsher than he intended it to. "I did feel it. I do feel it. Sometimes still so much that I can't breathe, can't think around it. But I can't let it cripple me. The pain isn't going away, it isn't any dimmer for all the time between now and then." So he'd stuffed it in a box, because at least he could function then.

Gray eyes darkened slightly as Kaiou continued talking, and for a moment he glanced away. "Not really. But it's not like they don't both already know, so I don't really see the point." Finally. He wasn't really good at this sharing his feelings thing. It was easier with Kai, but also harder. It was difficult to lie to him, even when he could find it in him to do so.

... Nevermind there was no point in lying to a figment of his imagination.

"It's... hard to face her." It was hard being in that house. But sometimes it was hard to face her, though Iname had a very difficult time putting into words why that was. Perhaps eventually he'd understand that it was because he was aware that he was something of a shadow of what he had been. And frankly, he was a poor replacement for his brother. The reality was, if either of them should have survived it was Kaiou, not him.

12
Residences / Sea Ice
« on: Apr 19, 2017, 12:34AM »
One corner of his mouth couldn't help but turn very slightly upward in a strained - but certainly present - response to Kaiou's smile. It was gone quickly as his gaze wandered back to the water and he attempted to ground himself properly again. This was a strange dream - too realistic and yet way too surreal. Peaceful though, in a way his dreams usually weren't.

"It is that." Quietly. Yeah, peaceful. And a short sound that was probably something of a laugh. "Sounds about right." Water was... kind of their thing. Water or ice or both. ... The green was nice, too. Maybe Iname would remember to go meditate in one of the gardens. ... Probably not, but it was a nice thought.

Iname was silent for a while, after Kaiou finished talking. His gaze didn't move from the horizon. For a while it probably seemed he wasn't going to answer at all. "I don't know." Is what he answered, finally. It was the truth - more so than what he said to most. He had no idea what he was doing. "I was just... trying to do the best I could with what I had. The best I could to make it stop... hurting so much just to breathe." But he didn't know what he was doing, not really.

"I don't really see why not though. I'm getting on fine enough." ... That was. Probably not entirely accurate and he knew it. But on the other hand, it didn't really seem so bad, either. He was functional. He was going to work and getting things done. At least most things.

13
Residences / Sea Ice
« on: Apr 17, 2017, 01:52AM »
It was strange, the dream he was having tonight. Surreal in an odd way that he couldn't really put his finger on, at least not at first. The place looked and felt familiar, but at the same time, that didn't make sense. He'd never been somewhere like this before, as far as he knew. Perhaps he'd dreamed it before. Hm.

It didn't matter, really. This was just a dream.

The air smelled like salt, and for some reason - like home. That made sense, really. Not because home was the water's edge, but because his own inner world smelled like the sea, thanks to Hyoukai. Which, he supposed, made it home as much as anything was. It took Iname several moments to realize he wasn't alone. This would normally have been strange, but, in dreams Iname wasn't too likely to be nervous. Nor... did he generally expect company.

Once he became aware of the other presence though, it didn't take long for him to find that person sitting there watching the water. Kaiou looking much as he had in life. It was strange - incredibly surreal - to find himself looking at his brother, even here in a dream. He didn't usually dream of Kai.

Iname didn't say anything for a moment- what did you say to a figment of your imagination, however shaped? It wasn't like he could easily gush about how much he loved Kai and how things were okay, and maybe soon he and Renji would be married. ... Well, it wouldn't hurt anything, to be fair, just, didn't serve a purpose, either. "It's nice here." Was what came out, somewhat unplanned. Maybe that was okay.

It was just guy, Kai hadn't ever judged him for being graceless, Iname reminded himself as he folded down onto the grass beside him.

14
Shipper Container / Shihoin, Iname
« on: Apr 15, 2017, 02:03PM »
Iname is a closed book with razor blades hidden between the pages. Everything seems relatively normal, for an Onmitsukido member from the surface. He doesn't have much tolerance for stupid or for time wasting. His emotions rarely seem to ruffle the surface, to the point where someone who didn't know him probably would imagine that Iname doesn't have many emotions at all - which isn't really true.

Beneath that surface that Onmitsukido training allows him to maintain is quite a lot of things that, frankly, even Iname doesn't entirely understand. Guilt, anger, sadness - mostly by-products of grieving that was never properly handled. He doesn't share his feelings well, and he doesn't entirely know how. He generally prefers to pretend, even with Renji, that he's just fine. Even though the reality of it is that all this time later, he's still living a pretty hollow existence.

He does have some pride, and there is a large part of him that is extremely embarrassed by what happened out in Rukongai, it's not something he'll easily own up to, and it's not something that he'll take well to having brought up.

But he does love very deeply, for all that it takes a good bit to get him to trust anyone. And he always pays his debts. ... Even the ones no one blames him for.

And he knows, he knows he should get the hell out of Nibantai. Will he? Ah, currently the answer is no.

Friends
Iname's friends are mostly those who have managed to stick with him through a rollercoaster of things - including actively avoiding them at times. Really it's a miracle if he has any friends. Any he does have should be patient sorts, and maybe a touch on the stubborn side. He could use someone trying to drag him back out into the open again and, you know helping remind him how to live. He's not terribly patient himself, and isn't likely to spill his life story on anyone, save perhaps Renji.

Enemies
A couple of the surviving Shihoins qualify as enemies. In a broader sense, the dragons. At it's simplest - whoever his Captain tells him is his enemy, is. The joys of being Onmitsukido. ... Seriously though, Iname probably has a few personal enemies too.

Lovers
Iname is happily taken, and anyone other than Renji making a move on him will get a firm no the first time. ... And probably meet Hyoukai the second time. He loves the redheaded sword monkey. ... They'll be married, eventually.
Shihoin Iname537 | Shinigami | Sudanese-Japanese | Hyoukai Gotei (Nibantai) | Ebony Eagles

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